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I’ve Never Been So Scared. Fears, Fate, Destiny.

I don’t think many of you know, but this past month was very emotional for my family. We lost my grandma in an accident right after Chinese New Year. I wasn’t sure if I should write a blog post on this because it is not beauty themed, and also a little personal but I thought about it, and, I think it’s something that I have to write, to help me move on. I’m sorry if this post seems all over the place- there are just so many things that I want to say.
As you guys know, Chinese New Year started on the 31st of January, and ended on Valentine’s Day, 14th February. Chinese New Year was great in the beginning, we took lots of family pictures. We have never taken extended family pictures before because my extended family is really big. When we were taking those pictures, I felt a pang of fear, I remember thinking to myself, “Why are we taking family pictures now? We never do that.. Is something gonna happen to someone?” but I usually have irrational thoughts and fears so I dismissed it right away. 
Fast forward to mid-Chinese New Year, my grandfather got admitted into the hospital because he had been having fever and chills on-and-off for almost two months. After a scan, they found that his bile duct was swollen, and the doctor told us about the possible problems: stones, dirt, or a tumour. We feared it was a tumour, and my thoughts from the Chinese New Year photo-taking rushed back but we found out they were just stones. I quickly forgot about it again.
Fast forward, it was the day after Chinese New Year and I was getting ready to go on a date with my boyfriend. I got a call from my dad, and he sounded calm and asked me if I’d already gone out. Then, he told me that my grandma got hit by a motorcycle on her way back from the saloon.
He told me what happened:
Dad: Grandma got hit by a motorcycle. She’s in the hospital now.
Me: WHAT?! Is she okay? What happened?
Dad: She was walking back from the saloon (which was 15-20 minutes walking distance) and got hit by a motorcycle. She got up by herself, and walked all the way back to the house, unlocked the door, went upstairs and told your cousin that she got hit by a motorcycle. She vomited, so they took her to the emergency room.
Me: Oh, so she walked back? Then it wouldn’t be that bad, right? It’s ok, when my boyfriend gets here, we’ll go to the hospital right away.
Right when I got to the hospital, the doctor told us that they had performed a scan, and she had damaged a nerve in her brain and that the blood hasn’t stopped, but it will eventually. At that time, she was weak, but not unconscious, and could still talk, but with really low energy. The doctor then told us that she had to undergo major brain surgery: they were going cut a 12cm diameter circle hole out of her skull and then suck the blood out. She would be in a drug-induced coma and the 48 hours after her surgery was a critical stage.
Suddenly, her heart beat went really fast, and she wasn’t able to breathe on her own because the nerve that helps in breathing has been damaged so she was rushed into surgery. The surgery took about 2 and a half hours. The doctor came out, and told us that it wasn’t looking good: she couldn’t breathe on her own, her blood pressure was fluctuating and it was just really dangerous and told us to hope for the best the next 48 hours. This was around 9:30pm.
Moving forward to the next morning, we met the doctor and he said that things were looking really bad as there had been no improvement at all. He told us that she was a 90% gone case because of her old age, and that her blood pressure was too low, and that we needed a miracle. He told us to go in and talk to her, eventhough she was in an induced coma, and pray that there’s a reaction. All of us went in, two at a time, to talk to her, hoping for any reaction but there was none. Then my mum and my aunt went in to talk to her and her blood pressure doubled! The nurse told us that it was a good sign and all of us were really happy. Then, it started to go down, and down, and down. In the evening, her blood pressure was only about 20. My grandpa went in to talk to her, and her blood pressure dropped to only a 6. When he came out, I wanted to go in, but the nurse said that they were doing a “procedure” and I think I kind of knew what was happening..
A nurse came out and asked two of us to go in, and I heard my cousin shout, “They let her go!”..
Those four words struck me so hard in the chest. There was so much pain, then tears, then I was just… numb.

It had only been 30 hours. We weren’t prepared. But then again, how can you ever prepare for such a thing?

Life is fragile. Cherish the ones you love. Don’t hate. Love.

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